or think about murderers
one of the worst things my brain does is wait until i'm in the shower and need to rinse soap/shampoo out of my eyes... and remember the most menacing, scariest effing thing it can think of. and i swear, it's not just a shower-in-general thing. the vulnerability i feel is very specific to the moment just before i need to close my eyes in the shower. and since it usually comes immediately after i've lathered up my hair or before i soap up my face, i actually go into the self-spook involuntarily picturing what horrifying thing1 i might open my eyes to as soon as i've finished rinsing the soap from my eyes. it's like experiencing naked, 5-second, anticipatory daymares.
1 a wild-eyed homicidal psycho, spooky ghost limbs popping out the back of my head like in "the grudge," a freaky enchanted murderous doll, dr. smith in alien form from the 1998 "lost in space" movie... all these things haunt my otherwise pleasant daily showers.
January 12, 2012
October 1, 2011
idea: sketch/sitcom premise
following their parents' deaths, mary-kate and ashley olsen learn that they were originally mary, kate, & ashley-- a set of triplets. in a grisly revelation, we find out that kate was actually eaten by one of her sisters before they were born (though we don't know which).
in a fit of anguish, mary (who dropped the "kate" from her name) and ashley vow to make things right. they adopt a teenager, rename her "kate," and try to assimilate her into their cult of olsentwins triplets. kate, however, is rebellious, resentful, and kind of goth-y. she has an urkel-type outcast role with a catchphrase like "you've got to be [bleep]-ing [bleep]-ing me," which is always immediately followed by a shot of mary and ashley with a "full house" throwback, "how wude!"
in a fit of anguish, mary (who dropped the "kate" from her name) and ashley vow to make things right. they adopt a teenager, rename her "kate," and try to assimilate her into their cult of olsen
September 4, 2011
dream sights
because all the picturesque landscapes, beautiful people, tortured artists, and funhouse mirrors in the world will never show you exactly what you want to see.
some things i would like to see:
- someone sitting alone, non-chalantly eating a cereal bowl full of doughnut holes (no milk) with a plastic fork
- a highway lane with an uninterrupted line of cars all the exact same make/model as mine, but in all the colors of the rainbow EXCEPT mine. i would so fall in line. completing that rainbow motorcade has been a dream of mine for years.
- how it would go down if the current me babysat the toddler me
- the rind of a GIANT watermelon, halved and hollowed out into boats. that would float, right? i think it would.
- exaggerated cartoon versions of everyone i know
some things i would like to see:
- someone sitting alone, non-chalantly eating a cereal bowl full of doughnut holes (no milk) with a plastic fork
- a highway lane with an uninterrupted line of cars all the exact same make/model as mine, but in all the colors of the rainbow EXCEPT mine. i would so fall in line. completing that rainbow motorcade has been a dream of mine for years.
- how it would go down if the current me babysat the toddler me
- the rind of a GIANT watermelon, halved and hollowed out into boats. that would float, right? i think it would.
- exaggerated cartoon versions of everyone i know
July 26, 2011
movie idea:
a young, uneducated, inexperienced U.S. presidential candidate takes on well-respected, maybe (probably) grizzled, tells-it-like-it-is former president as campaign manager/chief adviser. the film climaxes when our hero takes the GED test, the results of which will determine whether he wins the respect and adoration of the american public.
it'll be of the "rocky"/"billy madison"/"legally blonde"/"good will hunting" plucky-underdog/diamond-in-the-rough-works-hard-and-triumphs-over-unfavorable-odds genre. the title has to have some sort of academic/political double entendre... like "primary school" or something.
it'll be of the "rocky"/"billy madison"/"legally blonde"/"good will hunting" plucky-underdog/diamond-in-the-rough-works-hard-and-triumphs-over-unfavorable-odds genre. the title has to have some sort of academic/political double entendre... like "primary school" or something.
June 25, 2011
wear tiny clothes, make bad choices
one of the more appalling things i've seen lately: pac sun's new slogan "dress irresponsibly." are you KIDDING? from a store marketed at impressionable/self-conscious/curious/hormonal teenagers, that makes its money selling little more than skin-tight jeans, SHORT shorts, tiny bikinis, and little tank/halter/tube tops? irresponsibly is the adjective you're gonna go with? does this not strike anyone else as wildly inappropriate? i mean, come on.
on another note, eggs have really been frustrating me lately. and do not misunderstand: i love eggs. eggs, like potatoes, are tasty in absolutely every form. eggs are just a quality ingredient in everything they grace. there has never ever, in my life, been a time when i didn't like a dish more for having eggs in it.
but equal to my love of eggs is my need to get every last drop/grain/bit of food out of their containers and to their final tabletop destination1. i will spend minutes trying to coax out the last 3 drops of grapefruit juice from the empty carton, clumsily scraping the corners of peanut butter jars, and flicking hot chocolate powder packets like a crazy person.
and i swear i love eggs, but they drive me absolutely insane sometimes when the last [for lack of a better word] blob of egg white refuses to leave the shell. it really cramps my style. i mean, i will spend way more than the appropriate amount of time trying to free the entire egg from its shell. and i know it's not like getting play-doh out of a smooth, pastic container-- that it's just... biological, where things like albumen, air cells, and chalazae are involved. but just because it's natural (and therefore supposedly beautiful), doesn't mean i have to like it. i don't like spider egg sacs, +100°F weather, or biting my tongue, and nobody has a problem with that. i love you, eggs, but sometimes it feels like you're bustin' my balls.
1fact: one of the turning points in my inspirational, life-changing journey from thinking celebrity chef/food network star ina garten was lame to knowing she's awesome was when i noticed that unlike almost all the other tv chefs, she always scrapes all the batter from bottom of the mixing bowl, picks up all the stray chopped herbs from the cutting board, and is just overall very efficient using what she has. i very much appreciate this.
on another note, eggs have really been frustrating me lately. and do not misunderstand: i love eggs. eggs, like potatoes, are tasty in absolutely every form. eggs are just a quality ingredient in everything they grace. there has never ever, in my life, been a time when i didn't like a dish more for having eggs in it.
but equal to my love of eggs is my need to get every last drop/grain/bit of food out of their containers and to their final tabletop destination1. i will spend minutes trying to coax out the last 3 drops of grapefruit juice from the empty carton, clumsily scraping the corners of peanut butter jars, and flicking hot chocolate powder packets like a crazy person.
and i swear i love eggs, but they drive me absolutely insane sometimes when the last [for lack of a better word] blob of egg white refuses to leave the shell. it really cramps my style. i mean, i will spend way more than the appropriate amount of time trying to free the entire egg from its shell. and i know it's not like getting play-doh out of a smooth, pastic container-- that it's just... biological, where things like albumen, air cells, and chalazae are involved. but just because it's natural (and therefore supposedly beautiful), doesn't mean i have to like it. i don't like spider egg sacs, +100°F weather, or biting my tongue, and nobody has a problem with that. i love you, eggs, but sometimes it feels like you're bustin' my balls.
1fact: one of the turning points in my inspirational, life-changing journey from thinking celebrity chef/food network star ina garten was lame to knowing she's awesome was when i noticed that unlike almost all the other tv chefs, she always scrapes all the batter from bottom of the mixing bowl, picks up all the stray chopped herbs from the cutting board, and is just overall very efficient using what she has. i very much appreciate this.
a joyful return to my favorite community
so i was going to start this post with a "farewell, blogosphere1!" joke, but as soon as i typed it it felt... almost morbid. it was the same feeling you get when a questionable joke is made about someone dying or getting hurt2. despite the recent probably-forgivable-but-definitely-not-forgettable neglect (which may have misled you into thinking that i don't love peanut planet with all my delicious gummi heart), even joking about abandoning blogging forever is like joking with avril lavigne about getting her middle fingers chopped off. she'd probably hate the joke so much she'd use 'em at you. oh, avril! you delightful, punky, 26-year-old divorcée! will you ever grow old? if your wardrobe choices are any indication, you will live forever!
1i actually strongly dislike that word. it just doesn't sound like what it is, to me. "blogosphere" makes it sound made-up and omnipresent (and as much as i wish they were, blogs are sadly not utilized to their full life-enriching potential). i very much prefer to refer to it as the "blogging community." because we are members of a community, damn it!
2something that always comes to mind when
- i'm with people,
- we're waiting for someone to show up,
- it's been way too long of a wait,
- and we have absolutely no idea where he/she is or why he/she's late
is that one line from the song "annie waits," "maybe he's been seriously hurt." and oftentimes i'll say out loud about the person we're waiting for "...maybe she's been seriously hurt," (don't ask me why, sometimes i say it without thinking and sometimes i can't help but say it). and most of the time people think i'm being a weirdo with a dark sense of humor (i guess if that really bothered me i'd stop saying it).
1i actually strongly dislike that word. it just doesn't sound like what it is, to me. "blogosphere" makes it sound made-up and omnipresent (and as much as i wish they were, blogs are sadly not utilized to their full life-enriching potential). i very much prefer to refer to it as the "blogging community." because we are members of a community, damn it!
2something that always comes to mind when
- i'm with people,
- we're waiting for someone to show up,
- it's been way too long of a wait,
- and we have absolutely no idea where he/she is or why he/she's late
is that one line from the song "annie waits," "maybe he's been seriously hurt." and oftentimes i'll say out loud about the person we're waiting for "...maybe she's been seriously hurt," (don't ask me why, sometimes i say it without thinking and sometimes i can't help but say it). and most of the time people think i'm being a weirdo with a dark sense of humor (i guess if that really bothered me i'd stop saying it).
May 23, 2011
too frail to cross
not without some assistance
you know how on tv or in movies what happens is that an old person wants to cross the street, but needs the assistance of someone younger and more able-bodied to help him/her across? well, this might sound callous of me, but every time i think about it, it seems a little ridiculous to me that this frail person is allowed to roam freely through the streets unattended.
a crosswalk is usually, what, 30-50ft? if an old person can't cover that distance without any help, this person really shouldn't be out walkin' around solo. that is a very short distance. if you can't manage that, then there's no way you can get from any point A to any point B.
so the point of this is that the next time you see a fragile old person who needs to cross the road, you go up to that person and you walk him/her across. and then you keep walking him/her all the way to the nearest assisted living facility, set him/her up on the doorstep, ring the doorbell, and walk away. you've done all you can do.
you know how on tv or in movies what happens is that an old person wants to cross the street, but needs the assistance of someone younger and more able-bodied to help him/her across? well, this might sound callous of me, but every time i think about it, it seems a little ridiculous to me that this frail person is allowed to roam freely through the streets unattended.
a crosswalk is usually, what, 30-50ft? if an old person can't cover that distance without any help, this person really shouldn't be out walkin' around solo. that is a very short distance. if you can't manage that, then there's no way you can get from any point A to any point B.
so the point of this is that the next time you see a fragile old person who needs to cross the road, you go up to that person and you walk him/her across. and then you keep walking him/her all the way to the nearest assisted living facility, set him/her up on the doorstep, ring the doorbell, and walk away. you've done all you can do.
May 19, 2011
shower thoughts
clean is the opposite of dirty, right? when we clean something, it's because it is dirty. we are removing something like dirt (mud, dust, debris, gunk). and the same thing goes for bathing-- i might say i shower daily because otherwise i get dirty. but really, it's not because i actually get dirt on me every day. that doesn't happen very often. what i really want to wash off in the shower comes from my own body, not the elements. sweat, sebum, etc. things the body produces naturally. so when it comes to cleaning ourselves, the opposite of clean is... human-y? i don't know, but i'm thinkin' that dirt's gettin' a bad rap here.
also, you know how the hair that accumulates in the shower drain is always unpleasant? like, it seriously grosses some people out to remove and dispose of it. but it's not like it's actually especially dirty or germy. in fact, that clump of hair is probably pretty clean. not only does every drop of shampoo/body wash/etc. lather pass through it, it gets rinsed with every drop of water that flows through the shower. and yeah, i guess soap scum's a possibility as far as the hair getting gross goes, but basically as often and as thoroughly as you clean yourself, the hair gets cleaned, too. so it's really not so disgusting.
also, you know how the hair that accumulates in the shower drain is always unpleasant? like, it seriously grosses some people out to remove and dispose of it. but it's not like it's actually especially dirty or germy. in fact, that clump of hair is probably pretty clean. not only does every drop of shampoo/body wash/etc. lather pass through it, it gets rinsed with every drop of water that flows through the shower. and yeah, i guess soap scum's a possibility as far as the hair getting gross goes, but basically as often and as thoroughly as you clean yourself, the hair gets cleaned, too. so it's really not so disgusting.
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